Now, now.
Charles Wild, the world's most loyal live blog reader, returns with a glum look on his face: "I'm in Herne Hill with a ticket for the match today forlornly sitting on our mantelpiece. It's wetter than an Lutra lutra's pocket here. So I'm catching up on my MBA school work instead."
15.25 Guess what?! It's still raining. And now Sky are entertaining us with highlights of the 2002/03 Test in Sydney. In other news, Kent's County Championship game against Gloucestershire has been abandoned for the day.
14.45 Ah Charles, that's kind of you. Unfortunately, there's still not much to report. Still soaking wet. Still no play. I'm in Victoria, about a couple of miles from The Oval, and it's still as grey as a John Major social security speech here.
Charles Wild: "Don't worry Jonathan, despite the rain some of us are still reading your Ashes blog!"
Peter Rowntree: "Firstly, at least 25 out of 10 for initiative, the cricket you are replaying is arguably a lot more exciting than what happened yesterday. What should England be reflecting on in the dressing room? The fact that the series has been ruined as a spectacle by preparing this series of slow dry wickets. It has always made batting a hard grind, and for those who limit their shots like Cook and Trott has largely been responsable for their poor form. It was a concept based on a daft theory that if you had such pitches and you threw the ball in on the bounce and the same side to the wicket-keeper that the ball would deteriorate quicker to support reverse swing. Even the thought that doing this with a cricket ball would make any more than a miniscule difference is mind-blowing. Worse still the Australians accused us of cheating by doing this - I mean can you have 'unintelligence' and 'counter-unintelligence?' I would certainly challenge the latter at Scrabble - but then if you had that many letters in front of you then you would probably have problems making the word 'cat'. Just think about the stupidity of this; what self-respecting fielder having run thirty yards to stop a boundary is suddenly going to stop before he throws in and look at the ball to see which side is likely to bounce when he throws it into the wicket-keeper? Whoever had this crazy idea and asked the groundsmen to prepare such pitches should be locked up as mental, and a danger to society."
14.20 Well, hope you enjoyed our live blog of the MCG Test from 2010. I have to tell you now that we are most unlikely to get any play in today. Sorry about that. I reckon we'll get word in the next hour or two that they're going to call it off. There's so much water on the outfield that they'd really struggle to drain it in time, even if the sun did miraculously come out now, which it really, truly hasn't. So I'm going to sign off now for a little while, but if we hear anything from The Oval, you'll be the first to know about it. And by "you", I mean the singular "you", as in the one person still reading this. Cheerio for now.
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(R) Stumps: England 157/0 (Strauss 64* Cook 80*) in reply to Australia's 98 all out. Lead by 59. Well, that all seemed to go quite nicely. Man, what a total pounding. Everything England did worked like a dream: they won the toss and got to bowl when the atmospheric conditions suited, and the Aussies batted like idiots. Batsman after batsman came and went, driving hard at the moving ball.
To make matters worse, the English openers then showed them exactly how it should be done. Strauss and Cook left with discipline, punished the bad balls and had just enough luck to ensure that the very few mistakes they made didn't cost them. Mitch didn't turn up, and none of the seamers could extract any movement from the pitch or through the air.
Without any qualification, this was England's day and should, in all sense, be the day that ensures they retain The Ashes. Bat all day on Day Two, and they should be in an excellent position to do just that.
(R) OVER 47: ENG 157/0 This will be the final over of the day, Smith to Strauss, and he plays it out for a maiden.
(R) Mike Norrish on Twitter: Declare now? Have a quick dart at them?
(R) OVER 39: ENG 138/0 Shane Warne is commentating on Steve Smith bowling. It's like listening to Sinatra talking about Matt Cardle on The X Factor. Shane is bigging him up loads, mind you, about how many variations he's got, great attitude, la la la. No turn again in this over, but tidy enough, for three.
(R) OVER 36: ENG 124/0 Cook gets on the front dog and guides / edges Mitch wide of the slips for four. I am not 100% convinced by that shot. Nor is Mitch. He mad now! Here come bouncer! Sadly, it is about as frightening as the Neighbours bow-wow of the same name, and loops through to Haddin for... for a wide. Heh. That is kind of harsh from umpire Dar. But funny nonetheless. Cook gives a short ball the treatment, but only gets three - this ground is huge, is it not? And emptying rapidly. Cheerio, etc. Strauss sees out the rest of the Mitchover without trouble. Strauss 48* Cook 64* England lead by 26
(R) OVER 32: ENG 109/0 Last throw of the dice for Ricky, in terms of having something to be cheerful about tonight, and it's a real "baby needs new shoes" move. He brings Mitch back and is rewarded with some short, wide filth that Cook cuts for four to bring up his 50. Well played, Cooky. Four women in the crowd have got chefs' hats on, and are standing in a row to spell out the name of the Essex wunderbat. C-O-O-K read their hats. However, when the third in line turns her bonce through 90 degrees, as she does now, her headgear appears to have a 'C' on it. So it reads 'C-O-C-...' well, I think you know where I am going with this one. Well played, madam.
(R) OVER 27: ENG 86/0 Here's Watto! The 'T' is silent. Medium-paced and cuddly stuff. Cook laces - laces! - a wide one through gully for four. Shot. He's onto 42*.
(R) OVER 18: ENG 57/0 Ali Cook, for the benefit of any young Australian Test cricketers watching, demonstrates the "leave". Despite what you may have seen in the first innings of this match, the batsman is not obliged to play at every ball outside off-stump. Maiden from Sidds to Cook, excellent discipline from the Essex opener.
(R) OVER 11: ENG 44/0 Meanwhile, in another part of town, a bowler who knows what ball he is going to deliver next goes about his business. Harris, the Charlie Watts to Mitch's Keef, serves up an accurate, brisk over that Cook deals with okay. A couple to deep square leg from the one that was a bit too straight. On the boundary, Mitch ponders the impossible beauty of the cosmic one-ness of everything, and whether you could eat Vegemite off a playing card.
(R) OVER 6: ENG 25/0 So: which Mitch? On the evidence of that first over, not the Perth one. A horribly wide and short one to Strauss nearly suckers him into a mistake, wild slash at a filthy ball. Strauss then clips to fine leg for a couple, hammers a no ball through point for two, and then Cook plays that uppercut he has been working on: four over the slips. 11 off the over, and it looks more like Idiot Mitch than Idiot Savant Mitch so far.
(R) OVER 4: ENG 12/0 Decent drive from Cook, he wants three but Strauss sends him back. We don't want any nonsense, chaps. The weather is nicer out there now, and the Harris over is pretty pleasant too. Last ball: a controlled edge for four through the gully gives Cook a boundary. Sorry, that sounded overly partisan: it was an edge, but Cook played it with soft hands along the ground.
(R) 04.35 Hello, Jonathan! Hello, everyone! Hello, Australia's laughable cricket team! I'm Alan Tyers, here to take you through until close of play. Ben Hilfenhaus will bowl the first of 47 (seriously) remaining overs.
(R) 04.33 The Australians are back out, in what must be known as the Huddle of Futility. After the jump, it'll be Alan Tyers to see you through until stumps. Take it away, Alan.
(R) 04.25 Bowling figures: Anderson 4/44 and two batsmen bursting into tears; Tremlett 4/26 and five kicks in the shins; Bresnan 2/25 and a Chinese burn; Swann 0/1 and 3.5 million YouTube hits.
(R) 04.19 Did Australia even avoid the follow-on? Can we just have the urn now, please? Shall we switch to another sport for the rest of the game, etc etc etc?
(R) 
WICKET! Hilfenhaus c Prior b Tremlett 0 AUS 98 all out
Et voila! That's how you skin a kangaroo. On a length from Tremlett, Hilfenhaus gets in a terrible position to play it, it feathers through to Prior, and England will be batting in ten minutes! All ten wickets have gone to catches behind the wicket - and remember, England even had the luxury of dropping a couple - six of them to Matt Prior, which equals the Ashes record held by Rod Marsh, Alec Stewart, Jack Russell, Chris Read and Ian Healy.
(R) OVER 42: AUS 98/9 Harris cuts Anderson fiercely for four. That's more like it, Aussie! Go, Aussie! Look, you got some runs! Two more through square leg, and Australia are almost past their lowest Ashes score at the MCG, which is the 104 they made in the first ever Test match in 1877. Something I never knew before but read recently is that at the time, nobody was aware it was a Test match. Official Test status was only something that came a couple of decades later. At the time, it was just another fixture between The Cunning Australians XI against J. Sotherton's Jam Sandwich Gentlemen, or whatever. Tyers is far better at the Victorian jokes than I am. Here, here's another plug for his excellent book. I bet they were going on about momentum back then, as well.
(R) WICKET! Siddle c Prior b Tremlett 11 AUS 92/9
There's another! Siddle had been playing the England seamers rather well, but he falls victim to the disease known as Waftitis, and gives Matt Prior an easy fifth catch of the innings. A third wicket for Tremlett, and Australia are in danger of being bowler out for less than 100 for the first time in... ooh, about six months.
(R) OVER 39: AUS 89/8 The fightback starts here! Tremlett returns, and Siddle drives confidently through cover for three. Harris is also going to have a swing, and swishes and misses at a couple before finally locating his forward defensive and seeing out the over. Would it be a tad triumphalist if we hauled Graeme Swann out of the slip cordon, dressed him in a blonde wig and just stood him at silly-mid-off doing the sprinkler dance for the remaining nine minutes of this Australian innings? Your thoughts, please.
(R) OVER 36: AUS 78/8 So much for the Barmy Army being drowned out by 90,000 screaming Victorians. (Now, there's an image. What would they shout? "No to the Corn Laws!") They're all you can hear at the moment. It's they who cheer Siddle's first run, and Australia's first run since they were only five down.
(R) WICKET! Johnson c Prior b Anderson 0 AUS 77/8
Carnage! Pure, glorious carnage! Anderson finds another modicum of seam movement, Johnson hopefully hangs his bat outside off stump, and there's another big edge through to Prior! Four to Anderson, and that's three wickets for no runs in 10 balls! I can't remember Australia being in batting disarray like this since Edgbaston in 1997. Not against England, anyway. They were in mountains of grief against Pakistan, but nothing against Pakistan really counts, does it? This is the real deal. The big Boxing Day jamboree at the G. And the Australians are getting an awful stuffing.
(R) WICKET! Haddin c Strauss b Bresnan 5 AUS 77/7
Keep that gate open, there'll be another one through in a minute! Haddin and Johnson weren't going to go quietly, and it was Haddin who cracked first. Full delivery, big drive, snick, and Andrew Strauss pouches it at first slip. Can you believe this score? This 90,000-seater venue is notable only for its deafening silence at the moment. England need three more!
(R) OVER 34: WICKET! Clarke c Prior b Anderson 20 AUS 77/6
Another! Super cricket by England, and more loose batting by Australia! Again it's in that sort of rough edge-taking area by Anderson, and Clarke just has a little dabble with a crooked bat. Tiny feather through to Prior, but one that everybody heard. The last specialist batsman disappears, and England have maybe one and a half fingers on the Ashes! Anybody want to say a few words in tribute to 'momentum' before we bury it for good as a meaningful sporting concept?
(R) OVER 30: AUS 71/5 Haddin thick-edges for four first ball! He's in control of the next shot though, stroking it confidently though the covers for a single. Anderson now with 2/29 off 10 overs. Class. Knock over this partnership, you feel, and England could all but wrap up these Ashes before most of the country has had time to sleep off its sherry hangovers.
(R) WICKET! Smith c Prior b Anderson 6 AUS 66/5
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas! Anderson snaffles Smith off a thin edge. Smith didn't strictly need to take a stride and play at that, it was probably about 18 inches outside off stump, but be fair. He's no Mike Hussey, and he'd just almost been bowled shouldering arms, so he was within his rights to try and defend that. But it was a gorgeous delivery by Anderson, in the slot and just moving away a touch. Smith went firmly at it, got a good piece of it, good carry through to Prior, and Australia are five down!
(R) OVER 28: AUS 66/4 Steve Smith sometimes bats like a man trying to hide an AK-47 down his trousers. He's awkwardly forward here, defending Anderson back down the pitch. But then Anderson manages to nip one back, Smith leaves and then watches in horror as it passes just a couple of inches over the stumps! Maiden for Jimmy.
(R) OVER 26: AUS 63/4 Whoomp! Anderson pitches it up and Smith breezily drives it for three, the ball held up on that huge, slow outfield. (Not to be confused with Ian Austin, who was a huge, slow outfielder.) Two more for Clarke as he works Anderson through mid-wicket. Five runs in total. Not a bad yield for half an over.
(R) 02.52 The noise swells at the MCG as the players return to the field. Still 64 overs and three balls left to be bowled today. Who will have benefited more from that 90-minute break? The lights are on as Smith and Clarke resume. It's going to be Smith to take strike, and first it'll be Anderson to bowl the last three deliveries of his over.
(R) PLAY WILL RESUME AT 02.55 GMT
(R) 01.51 That Australian dressing room must be a strange place to be in at the moment. "Eh, Hussey, what are you doing back in the dressing room, mate?" "Is that where I am? I was beginning to wonder. Where do I put my stuff? Where's my locker?" "Ah, look mate, we gave your locker away, seeing as you weren't hardly here ever. We let Beer use it to store all the stuff we autographed for him."
(R) RAIN STOPPED PLAY AUSTRALIA 58/4 Clarke 12* Smith 0*
LUNCH TAKEN
Smith plays and misses at his first ball, before... is that rain? It is, you know, and before you know it the drizzle has become a squall and the players are scampering for the pavilion. Did anybody forecast rain today? Ah, well. I imagine that'll be lunch.
(R) WICKET! Hussey c Prior b Anderson 8 AUS 58/4
It's Hussey! It's only Michael Hussey! Well pitched up from the returning Anderson, Hussey just gets trapped on the crease and gets a thin, thin edge through to Prior, and what we simply must call a tortuous innings of eight from Mike Hussey comes to an end! Watch the England players charging around like midnight revellers! That's how important that wicket was!
(R) OVER 18: AUS 46/3 Pleasant drive for two by Clarke, before Bresnan strays in line and Clarke tucks him down to fine leg for one. Hussey then inside edges into his pad, which given the form he's in, I think should count as a wicket. Right, Hussey, you're out! What do you mean you didn't know the rules? Of course you didn't know the rules! If your ancestors had known the rules, you'd never have been born in Australia in the first place...
(R) WICKET! Ponting c Swann b Tremlett 10 AUS 37/3
Now Ponting's gone too! This is turning into another sparkling start by England! Short of a length from Tremlett, Ponting doesn't quite get everything behind it, and it just flicks off the edge of his splice into that cavernous slip cordon. Strauss has it covered at first slip, but Swann sashays across him from second slip and takes it just as safely! Australia three down, and you know who that brings in...
(R) OVER 14: WICKET! Hughes c Pietersen b Bresnan 16 AUS 37/2
Ohhh, Timmy! A first Ashes wicket for Bresnan, but a shocking shot by Hughes to throw away his good start! It was outside off stump on a good length, and Hughes just slashed at it. The bat ended up somewhere around his left ear, the ball ended up safely in the hands of gully, and Bresnan celebrates like a man who's just discovered all five members of The Saturdays inside his Christmas stocking!
(R) OVER 12: AUS 26/1 Lock up your daughters, Australia, it's Tim Bresnan time. He seems to have lost quite a bit of weight, has Bresnan, which I suppose just leaves his goofy accent and sticky-out ears as potential mines of mirth. Good pace from Bresnan first up - 85mph - and some decent swing, too, but nothing that Ponting can't play or leave quite calmly.
(R) OVER 5: AUS 16/1 Phil Hughes? A Test cricketer? Really? He's got a fine striking arc, but anything that, say, would constitute an illegal delivery in baseball gives him immeasurable problems. Anderson finds some late in-swing and only a desperate inside edge saves him from being trapped in front of all three. Somehow Hughes then manages to get away with his fend-and-hope approach to the short stuff, getting a run behind square for his considerable trouble.
(R) OVER 4: WICKET! Watson c Pietersen b Tremlett 5 AUS 15/1
Got him this time! Pietersen atones for his earlier error, but it's Tremlett and the MCG surface who were the stars of this dismissal! It was a simple ball of good length, but the bounce and lift Tremlett got from the pitch stunned Watson, who could only fend it into the gully, where Pietersen took the kind of catch he wouldn't even have dropped in 2005. Watson goes, Australia one down, and the clock stops on 20 balls this time!
(R) OVER 1: AUS 0/0 Oh, Watson dropped in the slips! Fifth ball of the innings! Good shape from Anderson, with seam and swing but not much bounce, and he draws Watson forward in defence. The edge skims low to Collingwood, who had to dive forward but still managed to get both hands under the ball. What a golden early chance for England, but it's been put down! Just for reference, time taken for first wicket to fall in the three preceding Test matches: three balls, four balls, 12 balls.
(R) 23.21 A young baritone who looks rather like Michael Fassbender belts out God Save The Queen. And good grief, so is Alastair Cook. Save some puff for your fielding, young man!
(R) 23.02 ENGLAND HAVE WON THE TOSS AND WILL BOWL "HEADS IS THE CALL!" bellows Ranjan Madugalle, and it is a head. "There's a bit of green grass on the wicket," Strauss says by way of explanation for his decision. As for the selection of Bresnan, he reckons the pitch will suit "a seam bowler rather than a hit-the-deck bowler". Ricky Ponting admits he wasn't sure what to do if he'd won the toss. He'd probably have bowled, but he's pretty happy to bat as well. They're unchanged, which means four seamers again.
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13.50 With no prospect of play now until around 4pm at the earliest, given the surface water on the outfield now, Sky are showing highlights of Melbourne 2010-11. This is something I'd like to try too, so to pass the time, I'm now going to live-blog highlights from the 4th Ashes Test at the MCG.
13.40 These probably aren't real chefs. They're probably just spectators dressed as chefs. If you want to be really clever, you could say they're chefs dressed as spectators dressed as chefs. That would be pretty meta. But then, chefs are infinitely resourceful people. And there's plenty of them, too. It is a fact of life that virtually every building, whether it's a pub, a museum, an office block or an antenatal clinic, has a kitchen serving hot food. Basically, in modern Britain in 2013, you're never more than 60 feet from your nearest plate of nachos.
13.30 Of course, it's not as if the players are spending the rain break simply curled up in the dressing room having a nap. That's just David Warner. Cricket Australia have posted the following picture on their Instagram account, showing Steve Smith having a morning net in the indoor school at The Oval.
12.30 Lunch is being taken and I'm afraid the umbrellas are still up.
11.30 Sky Sports pundit David Gower has just pronounced that "the sky is looking a little brighter". However, our man at the Met is not so optimistic.
"Bad news I am afraid. This rain is going to sit on top of the south east for most of the day. This is the Home and Dry latest radar image, and the forecast radar for 2 hours out is virtually the same. The rain is just static.
"London is a washout with around 13mm of rain this afternoon. There will be more Pooh sticks than cricket I am afraid."
11.10 The predicted rain is continuing to wash out the first session and the forecast for the rest of the day is far from positive, although that will hardly concern England too much.
An early lunch has already been called.
10.45 Good morning and welcome to an absolutely miserable day in London. It's spitting down with rain and the chances of getting any play are slim. But we can hope!
Let's check out the weather...
While we look to the heavens and pray for some sunshine, why don't we get in some required reading?
Paul Hayward - sledging's late arrival sets tone for a bitter winter
The Analyst - England's captain Cook is tiring fast
Scyld Berry - the cautious approach was fully justified
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